The courage to go on

Our intimate relationships are gifts. They bring light to us, reflecting our own magic presence back to us and we fall in love with ourselves over and over again.

Relationships are mirrors, nothing less and nothing more. We attract those who are able to reflect our imperfections back to us, those imperfections that need to be healed and embraced so that we can move further away from separation thinking, further and further towards oneness. And when the mirror sends back to us an image of loss, abandonment, pain, exactly that which we need to heal in ourselves, we back away in horror and we discard the mirror. And often we buy another mirror right away, seeking the beautiful image of ourself over and over, never able to integrate the pain, the abandonment issues, continue which will, inevitably, be reflected back to us from every new mirror, eventually. And every time we acquire a new mirror, we miss the opportunity to heal.

How do we find the courage to go on?

We find the courage by understanding that honesty is what it is all about. But we also need to understand here that the ego disguises honesty as an attack, very often, in order to protect itself. Blunt honesty, “telling it like it is”, is very often nothing more than an attempt to gain space, to hide, to step away from the inevitable mirroring of that which needs healing, yet again.

Honesty, true honesty, the ability to talk to our partners with the intention of assisting healing for them, is about healing ourselves. About understanding that no relationship should ever be left unhealed, because when we remain unhealed, we will encounter the same challenges again and again and again. The fear of hurting others often keep people trapped in relationships for lifetimes – know that fear of hurting our partners by being honest in love and kindness allows our pain to continue unhealed, disregarding the reason why we are in the relationship, and allowing the relationship to become a prison in which we become more and more disempowered.

We need to heal every relationship before we can leave it, because the healing is ultimately about ourselves.

Be gentle with your partner. Understand that their pain is their healing, and that yours is yours. Have the courage to stand back, to give them time to heal, and recognize that your pain is yours to deal with. There is a lot of talk of sharing in relationships, but I think that that is about sharing the good stuff. When pain and conflict arises, it is necessary that your partner knows that you are there, that you love them, but that you cannot go into that dark place with them. And when they eventually surface and are able to be open again, you will simply be waiting with open arms.

© Nina Ferrell 2009